Playing My Game
by Cannah
Summary: Hna and Carrie(carby101) collaborate. The consequences are this. Post-ep to 'The Longer You Stay' , from Abby's POV. Done in our own original style. Style never seen before. That is guaranteed.


**A/N:** So…here we are again. Hannah (Hna/Hannah) and Carrie (Carby101/stand alone Sally). Yeah – so before we jump in, we've got a little bit of explaining to do. So we chat on MSN and get bored a lot. Hence this fic actually. We collaborated on a mood fic (Discontented Rejection) in response to a challenge (posted under Hannah) and we both enjoyed it and figure that it turned out okay. So we decided to do the writing together thing again some time – hence the collaboration. So let us explain the fic…it's a stand-alone, we only write stand-alones, it's our calling. There will be a series of season 8 post-eps and this is the first, being a post-ep of 'The Longer You Stay'. They will all be stand-alones, yet they will have one thing in common, the style. The style is that they're written as in a live journal ( www.livejournal.com ) so they're pretty informal, casual and give a new insight into the personality of Abby, whose POV/live journal this is.

If you really want to see a proper live journal, you can check out Carrie's at   and Hna's easyjournal (same thing) can be found at 

Also apologies for this long A/N… they won't all be this long, just an explanation. Thanks to you for reading it and if you skipped the main and just are reading this… what the hell are you thinking? Go back and read it! NOW!!! And once you're done…review. You aren't a proper person unless you review. Now.

**Spoilers:** Not really any, unless you haven't seen season 8. Well there's a slight humorous reference, but if you're spoiler-free and haven't seen the later season 9 eps, it shouldn't spoil you. You shouldn't actually catch it, tis just something she says. Really, its *that* obscure. Just don't review saying 'oh I love when she said [insert quote here] so funny, wonderful reference!' if you're quoting that bit, because as spoiler-free Carrie knows *all* about being accidentally spoiled. Thank you and goodnight. 

**Subject:** Men are scum

**Security:** Public

**Mood:**  Aggravated

**Music**: Playing my game -Lene Marlin

Men are scum. It sounds cliche, a hundred women have said it before, but I mean it, I really mean it.  It's become like a game, one guy screws me over and leaves me, ready for another one to come along. I think they're all part of some evil lets-kill-Abby tribe, preying on my feelings, making me vulnerable so that eventually one day their leader can come along and finish with me. Leaving nothing but a void, a hollow empty void where a woman used to be. It just sucks that when I finally open myself up to people, I lose them, for good. I just want to be happy, I just want to love – I want to be happy with someone I love.

_'Won't open my mouth,_

_You know what I'll say_

_It hurts me that it's gotta be this way_

_I can no longer hide_

_God knows I've tried_

_I held on as long as I could_

_If I could change it, I would_

_This is the way I am,_

_And this is what I do.'_

Oh God, why did Carter suddenly spring to mind?

Why did Carter spring to mind? He's a man, he's exactly the same as all the others – he provoked my break up with Luka – bastard. I know, I know, its not as if Luka and I didn't have our problems but still, you don't tell someone your waiting for them to break up with their partner.

Tonight's phone call proved to be fatal, that man has the gift of perfect timing. I could tell Luka was pissed, argh, he's such a hypocrite, jealous of me and Carter, you know, me and my best friend and then there he is flirting with Nicole. Surprised he hasn't slept with her already.

Maybe he has, maybe he slept with Nicole. Maybe that's how he knows her, maybe that's why we haven't exactly been doing well lately. Maybe that's why he's been so… 'off' with me lately. I want to believe it, I want to have someone to blame for the mess that came to a climax today, but deep down I know I have no one to blame but myself. Well perhaps I can blame him too. It takes two to end a relationship I guess.

_'I cry my tears_

_But they're not for you_

_Playing a game_

_I know you've done too_

_I shouldn't have waited,_

_But still it's all the same_

_Cause you know,_

_I'm just playing my game.'_

 I don't like what I'm doing now; I'm drifting between blaming myself and blaming him. I'm stuck between two parts of me, 'bitch Abby' and the part which still loves him, who's telling me that I acted irrationally, that if I wasn't such dumbass I could be lying in his bed right now. Watching him breathe, leaning my head against his chest…

Apparently I was pretty in the dark. Son of a bitch. Talk about pot calling the kettle. Ok well, maybe not quite the same but still, he had no right to say that, just as I had no right to the 'married to a ghost' remark.

Wake up and smell the coffee Abby. Its over, it probably has been for a long time. It was doomed from the start; well at least I assume killing someone on the first date counts as a bad omen. Did we ever actually have an official second date? It did get better though, until Maggie came back, and then I realised what a condescending, ass hole he his.

Then he turned into Richard, trying to pull a power trip – he wanted to pay my tuition fees, he wanted to take care of my mother and he wanted me to stand-by and let him. When will I realise that's its not a good idea to date doctors?

_'Close your ears if you don't like the sound of my voice_

_You're acting like I_

_Like I had a choice_

_But to leave you behind well,_

_I've made up my mind.'_

So this is it. I'm done with doctors, I'm done with men – I'm finished. Finished, finished, finished. Maybe I should just…join a convent, or become a Swiss lesbian or…something. I mean the toilet seats always down, the TV's always on fear factor and you can have pillow fights in the bed. Anything, anything but this. I can't believe half the things he said; I can't believe he said that I wasn't that special. I thought I was, well I thought that I was at least special to him. Guess I wasn't; guess I was just like all the others. 

The worst thing is that I wanted to laugh when he said 'insect up your anus,' I wanted to just laugh with him like I used to when he got things wrong. I want him to come back and apologize now; I want to be in his arms again. I want to kiss him; I want him to hold me. I just want him to be there

_'Don't hold me with your eyes_

_The light in them I cannot see,_

_No need to blind me_

_There's this darkness where I walk_

_You thought you had your future_

_All figured out.'        _

But that was everything that went wrong in our relationship – all we did was sleep together. We didn't talk, not about anything of relevance, we just bumbled along expecting each other to be Ok – words do speak louder than actions I don't care what anyone else says. Maybe it was the language barrier – maybe expressing emotions is done differently in Croatia. Damn foreigners. Like I said to Carter, it's tiresome having to explain your every emotion. Or maybe it was me; maybe I'm emotionally unavailable maybe I trudge through life expecting people to read my mind.

Carter seems to understand. Here we go again – Carter, my miracle cure. Maybe I want Carter to 'have' me. He always seemed to get me better than Luka did. Maybe it's the whole addiction thing or maybe we spend too much time together. So much for Luka not getting jealous.

And you know, maybe I was expecting Carter to get jealous, well, maybe not expecting, but I don't think I was shocked. But then since then its gone downhill. He didn't tell me that his Grandfather had died so naturally I put my foot in it.

Why does everything have to be so complicated? A month ago I had both of them. Now I have neither, Luka is fed up of my moods, my mother and me and Carter, well, he's just so stubborn he wouldn't want any kind of relationship until I'm over Luka. You know becoming a Swiss lesbian doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Luka was right, I don't know what I want but I shouldn't have to. He should've accepted me for what I was/ who I am not what I could be. I'm not his wife, I never will be, maybe he expected too much. Perhaps I expected too much of him. I assumed Carter would sit on the sidelines and smile; that poet guy was right, between men and women no friendship is possible.

You know what Luka, if you want to help me, you could at least decide for me and then I could stop playing this stupid game

_'I cry my tears_

_But they're not for you_

_Playing a game_

_I know you've done too_

_I shouldn't have waited,_

_But still it is all the same_

_Cause you know,_

_I'm just playing my game,_

_I'm playing my game.'_


End file.
